CIGARETTE BUTTS AND SENSELESS TANGENTIALITIES

I had second thoughts about being here today. I could've ignored myself, or I could have just gone against my will. That should be easy for me. How many times have I gone against my will, against what I believe is right, against what I presume to be surreally real.

But to my disappointment,here I am today, staring blankly to a familiar place that haunted me for years.This place, the swift air that blows gently as it touches my fingertips, hasbeen my home, my hope, my creed, and my Polaris. 5 years. Has it been that long?

Here I am, staring blankly over a velvet lawn under the blazing orange rays of a sad sunset, hoping to fulfil a promise I have made to her. This park is a place of promises, thousands of them, our promises to each other. 5 years have passed since our love became as one. Right in this very place, we promised to go back five years from what I thought was the best day of my life. She was my life, my world, my everything.We loved each other that we turned nights to days and days to another day of our love. We were so much in love then, young, carefree.

Our happily ever after continued for 4 years. Each day passed like a spinning roulette,around and around, waiting for a pit stop. And one day, it came. She left me with no apparent reason at all. It was hard for me to understand how a seemingly fairy tale dream would turn into a nightmare full of unanswered questions and hanging points. Why do I have to let go of this love without the explanation I so deserve. I never got the chance to explain nor ask anything.Just a plain period and that's it. I was so wasted. I was directionless, for I don't know how to start from scratches. I never imagined I will need to know the essence of the phrase "moving on". My friends say I deserve someone better,that I just have to accept things and find another lady. All their advices, all the things they say to me that I need to do only reached my stirrups. My cortex is still shocked, unable to process anything.

Days passed. Months. Life continued even if I refused to. In the process of picking myself up, I came across a lady. An angel with wings who gave me hope by flying me back to the stars. I then decided to let go of the past, and start all over again. I decided to plant this love, and tried to nurture it with trust, hope, and fidelity. The first few months were extraordinary! I was happy to have been able to regain myself again, and be able to give love that I thought was lost forever.

One day, a news came to me of something so wicked, it crumbled me down. The angel, who redeemed me from my complete and ignominious failure, chose to leave me for the same lady I have loved five years ago. My veins froze the moment I learned this. I could not understand the incomprehensible. I felt so weak, so vulnerable, alone, deserted. I tried and tried to apprehend, but I simply can't. My earths rotational axis stopped from turning as my heart continued to pound harder and harder, trying to eject all uncertainties, angst and agony it has for so long.

Indeed, life has its way of complicating the already complicated things. I have not yet moved on, and maybe I never will. These life-turning brouhahas made me realize that loving is never easy, and it is always a gamble. And most importantly, I should've never given my everything, for I need to love myself more.

While reminiscing these past events like a film rolling in front of my eyes, I didn't notice that several tears have already rolled down my cheeks. I reached for my hanky in my bag. And then I heard a familiar voice. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the lady I hoped to see this day at this mutual place. She was with her angel. The scene crushed every remaining piece of me. I froze. I didn't know how to react, or even what to say. As they approached me, I stood up. She called my name again. The angel was silent this time, wings folded. She looked me straight at the eye, and said, "I'm sorry. We're so sorry..."

I smiled at them, and then I was silent for a moment. I wish I have the power to control the tears flowing from my sad smiling eyes that moment. Then I looked down, turned my back, and walked away...