CIGARETTE BUTTS AND SENSELESS TANGENTIALITIES

Elementary days were always good! A candy sprinkled lollipop can always complete the day, or an afternoon of running around with friends and getting one's school uniform full of dirt and mud makes every recess worth waiting!  A child has a vast playground of play, dreams and innocence. The normal child would carelessly throw his school bag in a corner and run around the school grounds playing mataya taya or langit lupa or maybe even tagu taguan.

I am not a normal child.

I also play these libag-accumulating games but not often as a normal school-aged boy would do. I am always the neat guy, has a bimpo/sapin on his back, - the studious elementary school boy who would rather do his assignments or make an advanced reading in the library. I took pleasure in filling up my library card with the names of the books I took home and looked forward on renewing my library card everytime  it's all filled up.

At home it doesn't get any normal-er either. We lived without neighbors. I wanted to play patintero or luksong baka with other children in a noisy chaotic environment but everytime I went home from school, a vast emptiness crumbles my dreams to live my childhood days to the fullest. I learned to play by myself. I learned to read the 24-volume Collier's Encyclopedia in my room everyday just to kill boredom.

One day, I went home from school and I found my mom and my dad in the kitchen preparing food. I ran to my room and changed clothes and unpacked my books so I could start working on my assignments right away. As I was just about to start, I heard my mom and dad on their heavy tones and and their voices climbing up a notch. It came to a point where I heard my dad shouted at my mom. I surely can't remember they said to each other because sure did my childhood memories were repressed.

My mom came to the room where I was and slammed the door. Her eyes were red from crying, and her heart was just broken as she was. She was crying hard  and I can't understand why. I believe it was about money again. Sending three kids all at the same time to school can really get the nuts out of a couple. My parents were no different.

Like a child who lost her favorite doll, my mom was then hysterically crying. I began to cry too. She consoled me but that didn't stop her from crying. She was still unimaginably crying like a child. My dad went out (maybe for a drink) so that we were just the two left in our house. My mom went out of the room hurriedly...

And when she came back, she had a knife in her hand.

Although her eyes were sure red and crying I saw through her stare how empty she was that time, and how she wanted to end it all. I screamed and ran to her. She wanted to thrust the knife in her but I managed to held her hand away from doing it. I swear I cannot comprehend what was happening then but I felt my instinct to stop her from what she wanted. We both fell on the floor and my mother was really hysterical. She was crying and shouting "Ronald, ayokoooo naaa....."

Oh dear Lord, how does an 7-year old supposed to handle this?

I hugged her and after a few minutes, she calmed down. But not for long. she lifted her head and while I was still hugging her and crying, I heard a loud bang from our cemented floor.

She started then to bang her head. I cried louder and harder  as I placed my palm between the cold floor and her head just so I could lessen the impact. My mom was desperate and really frustrated. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so helpless as hugged her tightly and said repeatedly: "Nanay tama na po, mahal po kita..."'


My eldest sister came home. The drama continued for maybe an hour more. The three of us were all crying. My sister tried to have me go to another room but my hug from my mom was nondetachable that time. I clung to nanay as hard as I could. That day, even though I was just a 7-year old innocent child, I understood completely the fear of losing the one you love. I understood  how finite life can be. I realized how I deeply love my mom.

The drama ended when my lolas from both sides arrived to console my mom. Apparently, my sister called them and asked for some help.

After almost 20 years, here I am. Writing this down while crying so hard. It's painful to reminisce a hurtful event from my past I tried to suppress for 20 years. There's still that little prickle in my heart. I realized right now that maybe, this suppression I homed for so long may have prompted me in a way on my three failed suicide attempts.

One of the reasons why me and my siblings studied so hard is for us to have a better life. We became a family of laudes so we can provide a better life to our parents. That way, they would not fight about money anymore. It's one of the sad secrets of my life.

My mom texted me earlier. She said she received my monetary remittance for this month. I added a little extra for the celebration on Thursday. She also texted me: "Thank you anak! I love you!"

On Thursday, she'll also receive the roses I sent to her overseas.

Happy Birtday Mom!!!! I love you so much!

*ronron sniffs.

The 7-year old RonRon with Nanay