CIGARETTE BUTTS AND SENSELESS TANGENTIALITIES

1. Grabbed a handful of pills and dunked it in my mouth. What surpised me is that i was able to swallow all without any gag or dysphagia. After minutes, I found myself in stage 2, REM of sleep. I woke up, luckily. I had so much pain in my bladder after. I thought my kidneys bled in the attempt of cleansing my system. I had orange urine after. Don't get me wrong, I never took Rifampicin in my whole life.

2. Skype. I was crying and out of my mind. I was outraged from a devastating news. I ran to the kitchen. Grabed a 7-inch kitchen knife, looked at it for 5 seconds, and went back in front of the camera. My spectator was freaking out as i slowly aimed the tip to my carotid artery. I was shaking insanely. I gained a few cuts and a little bleeding in my neck. Curtains down, lights off...

3. Deep bass and electronica beat enveloped the whole house of my friend. While everyone was partying, I found myself crying, sitting on the cold tiles of his bathroom floor, with a blade in my hand aiming at my left radial artery. I am a nurse, I know where the bull's eye is. I opened the door,  went back to the party in extreme ibiza state of mind, blank eyes. My friend  saw me.... Screams followed then, as blood continued to drip on the floor, leaving a trail from the bathroom floor to where I was standing. I was numb and emotionless.

4. 2am. After my right fist left a mark and swell on your right face on a parking lot in Ortigas, we found ourselves inside my car. There was complete silence. Out of rage, I pledged myself to stay mute. I promise I can kill you that moment. I stopped and you found yourself alighting my car. I accelerated and made a sharp U Turn along C5. My speedometer read 40. then 60. then 80. and then a hundred. I unleased the remaining angst in me as I stepped harder in my gas. I felt free.

5. Im unsure what is the circumference of the circle im seeing in front of me. It was devil black. I stared at it with fear, but pretended to stay strong and calm. It was a gun pointed at me. In my own home. In my own safe refuge. I dared the one holding it. He had burning eyes, same as a wild beast ready to kill without any hesitation. I hold my place and my stand. "I dare you to pull that trigger..." That's what I said for three times. I lied. I was never ready to die that time, but I felt that it's more decent to die strong and firm than afraid and sissy. After a few seconds, I created a look straight in his eyes, and turned my back and walked straight to my room.



These 5 are among the greatest regret I have done in my life. They're topping the list an I hope they remain on their places. What could have happened if something glitched over these events and caused my eternal peace? The answer will forever be unanswered.

Please, don't hate me for doing these stupid things. It is enough that I hate myself  for them. I promise not to try to die again. I'll do my best, now that I found the meaning in my life, and a reason to see the blue sky every morning full of hope. God is good. Life is a blessing! Please cherish it every single second, for life is all but short and unpredictable.